In hindsight, it may not have been such a good idea to allow ourselves such a wealth of planning time. But on the other hand, having gone through the full spectrum of excitement to fear and back out of the other side to excitement again, I may feel frustrated but at least when I go I’ll be going having made peace with the decision, rather than wondering if I’m running away from something. The ample thinking time has also allowed ideas of what I’m looking for in the next year and how I’d like to shape life from now on to crystallize in a way that is directed but non-deterministic.
In the last week, thanks the generous gift of a friend, I’ve become absorbed in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and it seems a fortuitous time to be reading it (if nothing else about it speaks to you it must at least serve to illustrate how little the world knows of worth and how you should never give up: it was rejected 121 times prior to publication and becoming a bestseller). Although I’ve been recommended it several times before throughout my life, it seems that no other time but now would have been the right time to engage with it, so primed am I at the moment to receive the philosophy it contains. So many of my thoughts on teaching, academia, life and my general philosophy there in black and white, pre-conceived and documented 4 years before I was born. It lends a sense of timelessness to proceedings which somehow helps.
I woke last night from a dream with a half-sense of dread and plagued by a sense of my own mortality. After a few moments lying there in the dark, heart beating fast I slowly turned over what I was feeling. I realised I was filled, not with dread at what came ‘after’, but deep sadness and regret – I was mourning what I had not yet had a chance to do.
Maybe I am running from something, but running from that horrible feeling of regret is not so bad a thing I think.
I’m ready to go now. But I realised I also need to stop waiting. Life has been on hold a little, I’ve been a little in limbo and whilst I can’t fully stop that with such a big change on the horizon I can challenge it to the extent I’m able. With that in mind we decided to make the most of our extra day this year, a wonderful day that held all the heady promise of spring.